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I'm not sure what has changed, other than my dying need to reach my goals. I'm afraid to live one more day without saying that I tried.
I got a 90 on my first math test, and that was the very first time I ever felt panic that I wasn't going to pass a test. My whole life I never gave a damn about grades. Even my first semester was spent drinking and partying, not studying and being responsible.
Yet, it all matters now. Everything matters. I want to get in shape, and lose weight the healthy way. If Ana and Mia are always in my mind, what if I listen to them, while doing everything right? Like eating less and exercising more? that's healthy, and you can't tel me that it's disordered. Or maybe it is, if I have sudden anxiety attack that I will fail, and summer will come along and I will still be a fat cow.
I don't know. I do not know when you draw the line that says you have disordered eating. My mom told me today that when I was little and we'd go to fast food, I wouldn't care the stuff from the car up to our apartment. "No, someone will see me." I used to say. I was probably thirteen years old. WTF?!? What? Someone will see that I eat. Yes, that is what I feared.
You draw the line for me, am I normal? Is this normal?

Brittany Murphy, is so pretty in this picture. I can't believe that she is gone. Especially since she died from anorxia, her heart went into cardiac arrest.
I don't know if I should be using her pictures as thinspo, but do you think she would have wanted that? To know that she might have died trying to reach her goals, but it's satisfying in some way to know so many of us believe that she did reach them.

Well, I was really depressed yesterday, and it seemed to go away after I slept last night. And that is a good thing. I realized that my recent boyfriend, who is now my ex, was actually a really good guy. My insecurities were making me not want to get close to him. Also, the fact that I am not quite over my last ex, that I might even still be in love with him. The mind is a complex thing. I don't believe that love is in the heart, that kind of love is pure and real, love that takes pain and hurt is in the mind.

    Today, was a mixture of motivation and depression. I could feel my overwhelming sadness creeping into my veins, and I tried so hard to ignore it. I hate when my depression comes, it hits me hard  and leaves me broken. I'm trying, I'm trying not to let it beat me this time.
    I signed up for a gym today, and tomorrow I will be going to work out early in the morning. I'm determined to lose this weight the healthy way. I don't want to gain it all back, and I know that mia and ana will do just that. They are manipulating, make you lose, make you gain, and they kill you softly, slowly and surely.

    And you don't f.u.c.k.i.n.g know me. You hear me? You don't have a right to hurt me like you do. And all I wanna know is why I can't get the f.u.c.k over you. With all the hate I have for you, and the pain I feel, I f.u.c.k.i.n.g. hate you! And I love you, I love every god d.a.m.n broken piece of you. You ignorant lie.

    Honesty, can kill you. And every time I hear that same truth, I die. I've died a thousand times over, because you break me heart.
   Signing off.  I'm sorry for my ramblings.

All of me.

    I wonder if life is even worth living for me. Everyday I wake up feeling misplaced, lost and all out of whack. I can't find inner peace, and I can't create peace in my surroundings. I want to try, to try and become a better person. But, I want to do this with my Ed, because I'm not ready to let it go. Recovery is something I never anticipate doing. I am a firm believer that is can be a lifestyle. Yet, at the same time, I know it's not. Because I watch how sick everyone around me gets, I watch as they cry, and break. How can that be a lifestyle? If every morning we all wake up with the same goal in mind; starving. Do we starve for ourselves, or do we starve for everyone else?
    I guess I was a complete fool on Friday when I drank all of that vodka. Because, even though my boyfriend go laid by me, he texted me this today. "I'm kind of re-thinking us. Because that night you were acting retarded, and really annoying. But you were really drunk." Wow! How f.u.c.k.i.n.g rude is that? I might deserve it, but wow. My response to him was "Alright". I haven't talked to him since.
    This is why I can't be in a relationship. Because I have FOUR personalities. If someone can't handle and accept them, then I don't deserve them. I need someone who can handle and accept the sober me, the part of me that is shy, and goal driven, with beautiful dreams, and hope. Someone who can accept the drunk me, the part of me that is my outgoing self. The high me, because its the only time I'm able to laugh and mean it. And also the eating disordered part of me. Because whether anyone wants to accept it, it is a part of who I am. I make up all of these things. Where is the man who can do that for me?
    Today, I woke up with all the intent in the world to fast, but it didn't go over so well...
Breakfast:: coffee.
Lunch: cheese with tortilla.
Dinner: saltine crackers.

Anyways, I'm in a s.h.i.t.t.y mood, so I am going to study, and sleep.
Love you all, stay strong.

Summer Bikini Challenge

    I can't wait until February 1st. My twitter friends and me, most of my twitter friends have an Ed, are starting a new challenge. I did the Skinny Bitch Challenge for two and a half months, but it wasn't giving the results I wanted. I did the Ana bitch Challenge, but found that I quickly gain back on days I ate more. So, now I'm doing the Summer Bikini Challenge 2010. Pretty much, its a loooong challenge. Started the first and ending May 31st. There are going to be weekly challenges and such. weigh ins, and even posting pictures of yourself for progress. And I believe that will help so much. Good thing the forums are password protected. If you are interested in the challenge. Let me know and I'll give you the owners twitter. I recommend all of you to get a twitter. You will have a lifeline to millions of Ed's at all times.
    Today, I am on a liquid fast. It is 1:32 right now, and I've had half a glass of coffee. I'm determined to finish this day off with only liquid calories. I hope my will is good, because right now I'm having a craving. Here is one thing I noticed, and maybe it's just me. But, when you are restricting, and you see food, that we all consider bad food. Do you have to have it? Like your body thinks that it's the last food on earth of that kind? Mine does that too me. Or maybe my mind does that too me.
    Alright, well if you wanna find me on twitter... twitter.com/gingerduhh =]
Love you all.



    "I don't remember the first time I felt un-beautiful, the first time I chose not to eat." - Superchicks, Courage. This is a really pretty band, and a lot of their songs are Ed inspired.
    So, last night, was.... I can't even think of a word, weird. I slept with my boyfriend, and it was nice. But, today, I avoided him, and I've no idea why. I slept most of the day too, because I was so hungover. That's really all I have to say on that subject. I don't know how I feel about him.
    My mind is slipping into Mia again. for awhile I was able to ignore my ed, control it. But every time I glance in the mirror "fat" is all I see. I'm calorie counting, and started to get my wicked thoughts again. If I start purging a lot, I know I could lose some weight, since my calorie intake is never more than 1000. I'm just really scared about how this is going to affect my school work. I really want to pass to keep my financial aid, and graduate. then I can really join the peace corp.


     I hate to be a b*tch to my best friend but she kind of deserves it right now. I f*ck*ng hate when the second girls get a boyfriend they ditch all of their friends. It's been about three weeks and I've seen her maybe twice. Wow, f*ck that sh*t. I told her today that I hope she enjoys her boyfriend because I'm not going to be here when she needs me, she hasn't been there for me.
    The plan for tonight is that my boyfriend and six of our friends are going to rent a hotel and drink/smoke all night. Sounds like fun! Except my anxiety is kicking my *ss. Haha, I sound like a two year old. Social situations cause me to stress over everything, but if I don't go out and socialize than I feel like a failure. Plus, I'm looking forward to some ganja. Hell ya.
    Today, was better than most.
Breakfast: Toast, with butter.
Lunch: Sandwich, with jalapenos, tomatoes, cheese and turkey.
Dinner: veggie wrap. (I only ate half).
Snack. Two cups of coffee, and an applesauce. =]

Still a ton of calories, but it was better. I almost purged today, I did a tiny bit. But, while I was leaning over the bowl, my heart was beating so fast, I had to stop. Besides, I ate it. It's my fault.

Well, hope everyone is doing well! xoxoxoxo

Jan. 15th, 2010

    Anxiety is a drain, I wonder how intense your anxiety has to be before you can be diagnosed with it.
https://secure.cmorgan.com/conquer/anxiety_quiz.htm I found this on google, it's not really that helpful, but it gives you an idea of how serious it could be for you. 
    My boyfriend wants to do 'it'. Here is the thoughts going through my head... "If I just do him, and it's good, then it will be over with, and I won't be scared to do it again." and "If we do it this early, he'll just dump me and move on." These are pretty normal thoughts right? My insecurities kill me.
    I've noticed that to other people I seem very confident, happy-go-lucky, worry-free. I'm always being asked out on dates, asked to parties, my phone is always blowing up. I say no to almost 100% of the guys who ask me out, I go to every single party, only because I'm on the verge of alcoholism and I love ganja. Because I know how to flirt, and I can get everything for free.
    Today, I hope to accomplish:
1. Finish some homework.
2. Eat healthy, avoid binging and purging.
3. Do something to burn calories.

That's it for now.

Jan. 14th, 2010

    I'm walking to the bathroom every five minutes to glance in the mirror. Each time I'm hoping my appearance has changed, that my impression on my boyfriend will be a good one. It's only our second day dating. I really just want to keep him around long enough to ease some of my loneliness. He's almost here right now, just stopping by to give me a goodnight hug and kiss. Cute, kind of, right? Too bad I look like shit. My nerves are going crazy right now, I hate anxiety. This is why I stay out of relationships the beginning is the hardest part. Why, oh why did I agree to this? He's here...

* * *
    Alright, I am back. It wasn't as bad as I thought. We hugged, made out, hugged, made out more, and he left. You ever notice, and this is going to be right to the point, that anxiety makes you go number 2 a lot? Well, it speeds up your metabolism. So there is a plus to being anxious, I guess.
   Well, tomorrow, I'm planning on fasting all day long, but since it's Friday, I know I will be drinking tomorrow night. Ton's of liquid calories, but it's also an escape. Sounds like a fair trade to me.
Sleep well.

About me.

I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[x ] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[ ] Under 100lbs
[ ] participating in a fast


[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[x ] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic/EDNOS


[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I wish I was under 100
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was prettier
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia

[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[ ] shaking
[ ] being weak
[x] losing weight
[x ] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[x ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

[ ] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[] I have many scars.
[] I tan easily.
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color.
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[t] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[] I have/had braces. [had]
[] I (should/do) wear glasses.
[] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x]I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles.

[x ] I've sworn at my parents.
[x ] I've run away from home.
[x ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[ ] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I've had children.
[ ] I've lost a child.

[] I'm single
[x ] I'm in a relationship.
[ ] I'm engaged.
[ ] I'm married.
[ ] I've gone on a blind date.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[ ] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I've cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[ ] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[x ] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[x ] I've kept something from a past relationship.

[ ] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[x ] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x ] I've been kissed in the rain.
[x] I've hugged a stranger.
[ ] I have kissed a stranger.

[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[ x] I regularly drink.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[ ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I'm upset.
[ ] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I'm anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[x] I'm addicted to self harm.
[x] I've woken up crying
[x] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[ ] I'm at my thinnest
[xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx] I'm at my biggest
[ ] I've lost weight and kept it off
[x] I've lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x ] I feel happy when I'm hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I've skipped a meal
[x] I've thrown food away
[x] I've spit food out
[x] I've fasted
[x ] I've taken diet pills
[x ] I've used laxatives
[x] I've purged
[x] I've exercised
[ ] I exercise so I can eat
[x] I work out secretly
[] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[] I've fainted from exhaustion

I've done:
[x ] Weed
[x] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[x ] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[x] Anti-depressants
[ ] Ecstasy
[ ] LSD
[ ] Mushrooms
[ ] Speed
[ ] Cocaine
[ x] Other [Adderall]